I awake instantly from another broken night’s sleep and lay still…. “Is it going to happen again I ask myself?” “Is it going to take over me again like a huge dark blanket drenched through from my despair and worthlessness?” Surrounding me, swamping me with its weight, its entrapment yet again as another day starts all over once more.
And then I feel it come again, that brief moment of 2 or 3 seconds of normality in my mind are immediately rushed like a tsunami rising up ferociously, battering down any hope in its path of a pain free day of suffering in my head.
It had been many months, definitely longer than a year, that I had been playing out this continuing relentless fight in my own head. On the surface, I looked like just a normal guy with his amazing little family, who is hard working, had a laugh and joke and enjoyed a social event or 2, but inside I was dying. The fight was slipping away from me and I was becoming desperate and lonely.
On this one particular morning, I lay there in the dark of my bedroom alone, I can hear my family vaguely through the dense mind fog. They are all downstairs eating their breakfast, laughing and messing around about to start another normal day. Within my fog I feel different, these thoughts are intense, and they aren’t that of happiness and joy, they’re of suicide and how can I end all of this!
Where can I go that no one will find me? How can I make this as quick as possible? I can’t continue like this anymore! I want this to stop! Please leave me alone! Why me!?
Then a soft-voice breaks the madness and chaos…. “Daddy? Daddy are you awake?” “Good morning Daddy are you alright?” “You look sad,” he says tentatively.
It’s at this very moment I break. I can’t control my emotions and I feel like a complete failure. What am I doing? Who am I? This can’t carry on! I need help….
I awake early with the morning near
The cloud, the fog, the familiar sense of fear
The electric sensation of anxiety strikes
With my nerves pulsing like a flickering light
The clouds turn darker as they start to loom
As my mind starts to feel the impending doom
I struggle to face this thing we call life
When all I really crave is happiness, freedom and flight
Because the hardest part is to get up and out of my bed
So, I tell myself daily let’s KILL IT DEAD
Do not let Anxiety and Depression beat you!
Seek medical care, talk to your loved ones, your friends, or even a stranger…
Don’t bottle it up!
We’re not just a clothing brand we are here to support the fight!
Kill It Dead – Become a stronger you!
By Matt Wilkie – Founder and Owner of Kill It Dead